Deep Thought tonight

I am having anger issues tonight. I fight every day for my life and my brother just commits suicide. I have experienced more pain that words describe and I keep trucking. The main thing that makes me angry Is when my mom was passing away from cancer ,Ira promised to take of me since i was his "little sister" Ira and I were so close. I am angry that he could ask me for help I would have given him the world. I have indured so much pain and this adds a layer. I dont understand how he could send a text just like evrything was fine. I found out my brother was gone comming out of sugery.
It hurts me to see the pain that my love ones suffer. Our family is so confused. I dont mean to be rude but suicide is the most selfish thing you could do. You go realize your pain and leave the rest behind. I now i might seem cold now but this is how i feel. Remember suicide is never the anser

Here we go

I have been through lots of tramatic results over the past year. I am hoping to use this bog to connect with other people and document my feelings. I was 19 when my mother passed way from cancer. This was the first event that changed me. My mother was an amazing women and my best friend. Losing her left the first hole in my heart. I have a genetic diesease FAP and have been struggling for years. I have had my colon removed and have been to the hospital 20 times in four years. During the fall of 2010, I began to fell very sick, i couldnt eat. couldnt work and could barley take care of my self. I went in and out of the hospital with them telling me that I had a virus I know that this was not it. I would have a liver biopsy that showed growths in my liver that were bigger than what doctors fell comfortable with. I went to Johns hopkins in the winter and found out I needed a liver embolization. This was such a scarey thought, but I know I needed to have this pain off. The procedure was completed and was pure hell. I spent days and days crying in pain . unable to move or eat. Then I began to run these high fevers turns out I have an abcess in my liver. I had a drain placed for eight weeks. Unfortunally the day that the drain was removed I found out my brother took his own life. I now sturggle with the greif of this and the fact i almost died.